In middle school, we took a class field trip to the county jail to meet and speak with inmates. For context, it was a minimum-security facility and was part of the programming for inmates during incarceration. I don’t remember exactly why we were going there but I’m sure the school was trying to teach us about different lifestyle choices. In all honesty, I had no idea what to expect. When we arrived, everyone was grouped up with one or two inmates. While I don’t remember who I was grouped with, I’ll never forget what he said to my friend and I. He asked us “who controls your life?” Being the naive Hmoob daughter that I was, I replied, “my parents…?” He told us, “You. You are in control of what you do with your life...you’re here for a reason. You just have to find what that reason is.” In a time where I was still figuring out my place in the world, this statement really stuck with me. I had always thought that I just had to do what I was told to do. To this day I remind myself of these words. This year especially, those words rang in the back of my mind, “you’re here for a reason.”

This past February, my siblings and I got into a terrible car accident during a snowstorm that totaled our car. My brother was driving and had lost control, causing the car to spin out and roll into the ditch. I was asleep in the back and before I knew it, our car was on its side. Many good samaritans rushed over to help pull us out of the window. The paramedics came, checked us over, and then transported us to the nearest hospital. After many questions, tests, and even a brain scan, we were cleared to go home only a couple hours later. We all walked away with not a single injury. The worst thing that happened was that I lost my glasses during the accident and therefore couldn’t see clearly until I got them replaced.

That night and the weeks to follow, I couldn’t help but think about how we made it. Was it luck or coincidence? What if we didn’t make it? What if I had been injured or paralyzed? These endless thoughts ran through my mind. It also happened to be my last semester of college as well. I had my senior thesis to finish and graduation on my mind. I felt completely lost in those couple weeks, my frustration grew, and my progress on my projects and schoolwork came to a halt. I kept thinking “I wasn’t supposed to make it this far.” My anxiety was at an all-time high and I found myself just going through the motions to get by. But, at my lowest, those words said to me by that inmate years ago came back, “you’re here for a reason.” I thought about it over and over. I told myself, “If I wasn’t supposed to be here, I wouldn’t be here.” Slowly, I regained control of myself and worked harder than ever to accomplish my goals. In the few months following the accident, I published my poetry book, pulled off the completion of four outfits in four weeks for my senior thesis, graduated, and accepted an international summer internship in Nepal.

Even though all these great things were happening for me, I just kept thinking about what my next move would be. Everything seemed to be falling in place and out of place all at once. Nothing made sense. I started to feel as if I was making all the wrong moves. This year continued to be a roller coaster of accepting where I was at and questioning why I was even here at all.

This year tested my self-belief.

This year tested my faith.

This year tested my motivation.

This year tested my resilience.

Having started 2019 off at such a low, I look back and I’m grateful for how things happened. It reminded me to take life as it comes and to have gratitude for even the smallest things. Sometimes—most of the time—you won’t have all the answers you want. There is a learning moment in every situation if you are open to it. If I’ve learned anything in these past 12 months, it’s that you might not be ready for what life has to throw at you, but you can face it head-on and keep moving forward. So, despite not being where I’d like to be at this point in my life:

I’m going to celebrate all that I’ve achieved thus far.

I’m going to bask in the endless gratitude I have for this life I’m living.

I’m going to continue learning and growing.

I’m here for a reason and I’m going to continue seeking that reason. Maybe it’s simply being alive or maybe it’s something bigger than I can imagine. Whatever the case, I’m nowhere near ready to give up. I’m only getting started.

Wherever you are in life, especially if you’re feeling lost, remember that “YOU are in control of what you do with your life...you’re here for a reason. You just have to find what that reason is.” With that, I’d like to send you all positive energy and only the greatest blessings as 2020 approaches.