Comfort in Fears: Leaving it all Behind

No one talks about how hard self-love actually is. When we hear self-love we think of the neatly packaged version of it. The one where the strong independent woman takes herself on dates or the bath time with wine, candles, and a face mask. However, self-love is all that and more. No one talks about how tired that strong independent woman is or how she had to drag herself out of bed for another meal let alone a bath. Or how she is finally coming to terms with the fact that she only has herself at the end of the day and that fact alone no longer eats at her like it once did. No one talks about all the things she had to overcome to be so at peace with herself. And yet, in some ways...on some days, she is still just as tired and sad as she was before it all.

The other day I said to a friend “I wish I really loved myself as much as I think I do. I wish I was as strong as I’m perceived to be.” 

Self-love is reflecting, breaking cycles, and healing.

Healing is so fu*king hard. 

Some days I’m in love with every piece of my being and other days I pick apart every flaw and mistake I’ve ever made but this isn’t some post about how sad I was or how much I’ve cried. This is about my growing resistance to finding comfort in pain.

Over the past year, I’ve experienced so much growth. In many ways, I’m so happy with where I’m at in life. It seems as if I’ve found the peace that I’ve been looking for for so long. But some days my fears find me and have a hold on me that I can’t shake. I’ve lived with this fear and sadness for so long that when it comes back it feels comforting. I have to fight it and it’s exhausting. Maybe it’s that so many good things are happening and I’m truly scared of what I can become. Maybe I’m scared of the greatness that lives within me. For so long I let the fear win and now every good thing is a fight. New heights bring up old fears and fear of the unknown brings anxiety. But I’m learning to detach from my insecurities and take a hold of all things that bring me joy.

I’m realizing that pain and peace can coexist.

Bravery and insecurity.

Boldness and softness.

I have to remind myself every day of all that I’ve done for myself. How I’ve pulled myself out of the mud several times now. I tell myself that if I’ve gotten this far with this much pain, I can do so much more as I learn to release it. 

Love yourself enough to do good things for yourself.

Love yourself enough to forgive yourself.

Love yourself enough to let go of everything that no longer grows you.

Self-love is killing the idea of who you thought you were supposed to be and grounding yourself into everything that you are. This can be scary because well, this is the person we’ve known our whole life. This version of us was the one who brought the most comfort and shielded our pain. However, this version of us does not exist in the future, and in order to grow, we’ll have to leave them behind.

Moving Forward, Embracing the Storms

Disclaimer: mental health & anxiety | Every time I think about how I’m opening up to strangers, it scares me a bit. But, I feel that it’s so important to share these kinds of stories. Social media has conditioned us to only share our highlight reel. What you are about to read is real and raw. I’ve tried to sit down and write this blog earlier this month but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I have yet to share this with even my parents or family. I guess I’m feeling a little more courageous today. Please take the time to read with an open mind, especially if you are unfamiliar with these kinds of experiences.

This is what anxiety looks like. Just five months ago I experienced one of the worst episodes I’ve ever had. It’s been a year since I graduated college and I wasn’t where I thought I would be. The dynamics of my friendships and close relationships were constantly changing. Nothing was going in my favor. On top of that, the world was in the middle of a pandemic. Everything hit me all at once and when it hit, it hit hard. I don’t really know how to explain the details of how or why this all happened but it did. For about two to three weeks in May my mind took control and I didn’t do anything but sit in my head all day. Beside my bed was a trash can filled with empty water bottles and Rice Krispies Treat wrappers as that was all I could stomach most days. I was so upset at everyone but more so angry at myself for not being able to manage my feelings better. I was so down but I was trying so hard to be happy. I knew I could move past this as soon as I figured out how. I was trying so hard to have a normal day, a better day, better thoughts, better habits. No one else other than my sisters and my best friend knew what I was going through. When I posted these photos, everyone probably thought I was having the time of my life. Little did they know these were taken the same day my best friend watched me cry myself to sleep because I was so overwhelmed.

Before that big breakdown, I had been running on empty. Giving and giving just to make sure everyone’s cups were full. Everyone’s except my own. This wasn’t the first time I had a breakdown like this. However this time, I realized I needed to allow myself to feel everything as deeply as it needed to be felt. As a person with a lot of emotions I’ve learned that sometimes, you really just have to go through it, all the while understanding that you’ve been here before and made it through. So, I let myself cry, I journaled, and then cried some more. 

After weeks of drowning in bad habits, I realized I had to take back my power. I came to understand that not every person or opportunity deserves your energy. You are important too and though sometimes you are meant to bring light to others, it is your own responsibility to evaluate when to depart or do less. Most importantly, your healing is your own responsibility and you have to hold yourself accountable for your growth. 

For the past few months, that’s what I’ve been doing. Not only did I immerse myself in work and projects, but I’ve also been journaling more, praying more, and working out more. Really committing to building myself from the inside out in order to align my mental, physical, and spiritual health. Instead of focusing on my fears, I began doing things out of love and joy; finding my flow and following it. I’d say I’m doing pretty well. Even so, every day I still have to remind myself of my worth and what I’m capable of. On days when my thoughts run wild and I find myself living in my head, consumed by the sadness, I feel like a fraud for pushing positivity. Then I pause and remind myself that positivity and happiness are not synonymous. Sometimes you have to sit through the storms in order to grow.

These days I’ve stopped chasing “better”. “Better” is relative and will keep you focused on the past, hindering you from reaching your full potential in the present. The you that existed yesterday no longer lives in this moment. Instead of saying how can I be better than I was yesterday, I began to ask myself how can I show up for myself today? The person you need to be today is not comparable to the person you were yesterday. What was required of you yesterday is not comparable to what is required of you today. Move forward with the concept that every version of you is the best version of you for the specific time and circumstances you are in. When you show up everyday as your best self, you won’t be hung up on the past. This will allow you to flow freely and peacefully in your journey. Give yourself grace and honor yourself at every stage of life you go through. You will then understand your value so when a situation doesn’t turn out in your favor, you won’t feel like you took a loss. You are made up of all things you’ve gone through. All the good and bad.

Stepping out of a dark place and into yourself again is the most amazing feeling. A feeling I don’t even know how to describe. 

A final message to those going through their own storms right now, you are worthy of the most amazing life. Good things are coming for you. Embrace the storms while knowing the sun will rise again.

Note to Self: You Are Not Your Thoughts

Today I’m not okay. This sudden wave of anxiety has taken over me. I found myself breaking down and I had no idea why.

If I’m being honest, I get sad and anxious often. I worry about what’s next. I overthink the past, wondering what I could’ve done differently. What am I supposed to do with this life I’ve been given? How exactly do I make the most of it? 

On some days though, like today, there’s no question to answer or explanation to be found. It crept up, laid in bed silently with me until I noticed its presence. 

But in the same breath, I want to say that I’m very much in love with life right now. I’ve come to terms with where I am and where I want to go. I understand the extent of my talents and capabilities. I understand that everything has its own right timing and all of my ambitions will be manifested in reality with time. 

This is healing. It’s not linear. 

Some days you’re at your highest, other days you’re at what feels like rock bottom, and then there are days like this; you feel grateful and blessed yet, there’s this overwhelming feeling of anxiety living in your chest. 

You feel everything. 

All of it. 

All at the same time.

It becomes so exhausting fighting your own mind. Trying to discover the exact cause of your thoughts and feelings. You blink once and you’ve missed the triggering moment. Was it when your mother slightly raised her voice to get your attention? Or maybe it was when you began to think too much about the past for a second too long. Could it have been when your friend forgot to reply to your message earlier that day? But it’s often deeper than that. Whatever the case, it’s impossible to know now. 

So, how do you move forward? How do you center yourself again? 

First, breathe. Know that this feeling will pass. These thoughts will subside. Work past the thoughts that swallow you whole. Find and indulge yourself in things that ground you. 

What many of us have all wrong is that we always want to be happy. Happiness is the goal. So when it seems as if these happy feelings are gone, we are left with nothing. However, the reality is that happiness is nothing but a feeling. Just as being sad, angry, or afraid are feelings. Let it come and let it go. Understand that it’s completely okay for you to feel this way and just as you’ve done so before, you’ll navigate your way through this moment as well. You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings. 

Even when you’ve grown tired of your own mind, you have to fight. Fight for your own potential, for the person you have yet to become. Show up for yourself. Find peace in knowing you are constantly learning and growing. Forgive yourself for all you have yet to understand. 

Good things are coming, believe it.

And know this, you’re not alone.

Cross-cultural Influence: Modern Hmoob Fashion

It has officially been one year since the conception of this collection. The collection was long overdue for some photos that would do it justice. I was so glad when Pang Khang Photography reached out to me for a collaboration. 

When designing this collection I wanted to create pieces that would offer versatility in both casual and formal wear. However, little did I know the difficulty I would face in developing these prototypes due to the technicalities of the designs. I spent long nights that turned into weeks in the studio trying to get every seam just right. Some nights after hours and hours of adjusting, I had no idea where I went wrong and would have to go back to the drawing board.

Looking at it with fresh eyes during this shoot I can say that it’s one of my favorite projects to date, despite the headaches it caused. This was more than designing clothes. This was a reflection of who I am and who I’ve become.

This is for all my Hmoob sisters who aren’t appreciated enough, who continually strive to be their own definition of a good Hmoob woman. It’s time we stop allowing others to speak for us. We are here and we will create and share our own narratives.

This collection has created a basis for who I want to be as a fashion designer. My roots will never escape me. Therefore, I’ll choose to embrace them, creating for those who look like me. I’ll continue to tell our stories through fashion as the Hmoob women before us have done.

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How my Lowest Low Led Me to My Greatest Year

In middle school, we took a class field trip to the county jail to meet and speak with inmates. For context, it was a minimum-security facility and was part of the programming for inmates during incarceration. I don’t remember exactly why we were going there but I’m sure the school was trying to teach us about different lifestyle choices. In all honesty, I had no idea what to expect. When we arrived, everyone was grouped up with one or two inmates. While I don’t remember who I was grouped with, I’ll never forget what he said to my friend and I. He asked us “who controls your life?” Being the naive Hmoob daughter that I was, I replied, “my parents…?” He told us, “You. You are in control of what you do with your life...you’re here for a reason. You just have to find what that reason is.” In a time where I was still figuring out my place in the world, this statement really stuck with me. I had always thought that I just had to do what I was told to do. To this day I remind myself of these words. This year especially, those words rang in the back of my mind, “you’re here for a reason.”

This past February, my siblings and I got into a terrible car accident during a snowstorm that totaled our car. My brother was driving and had lost control, causing the car to spin out and roll into the ditch. I was asleep in the back and before I knew it, our car was on its side. Many good samaritans rushed over to help pull us out of the window. The paramedics came, checked us over, and then transported us to the nearest hospital. After many questions, tests, and even a brain scan, we were cleared to go home only a couple hours later. We all walked away with not a single injury. The worst thing that happened was that I lost my glasses during the accident and therefore couldn’t see clearly until I got them replaced.

That night and the weeks to follow, I couldn’t help but think about how we made it. Was it luck or coincidence? What if we didn’t make it? What if I had been injured or paralyzed? These endless thoughts ran through my mind. It also happened to be my last semester of college as well. I had my senior thesis to finish and graduation on my mind. I felt completely lost in those couple weeks, my frustration grew, and my progress on my projects and schoolwork came to a halt. I kept thinking “I wasn’t supposed to make it this far.” My anxiety was at an all-time high and I found myself just going through the motions to get by. But, at my lowest, those words said to me by that inmate years ago came back, “you’re here for a reason.” I thought about it over and over. I told myself, “If I wasn’t supposed to be here, I wouldn’t be here.” Slowly, I regained control of myself and worked harder than ever to accomplish my goals. In the few months following the accident, I published my poetry book, pulled off the completion of four outfits in four weeks for my senior thesis, graduated, and accepted an international summer internship in Nepal. 

Even though all these great things were happening for me, I just kept thinking about what my next move would be. Everything seemed to be falling in place and out of place all at once. Nothing made sense. I started to feel as if I was making all the wrong moves. This year continued to be a roller coaster of accepting where I was at and questioning why I was even here at all.

This year tested my self-belief.

This year tested my faith.

This year tested my motivation.

This year tested my resilience.

Having started 2019 off at such a low, I look back and I’m grateful for how things happened. It reminded me to take life as it comes and to have gratitude for even the smallest things. Sometimes—most of the time—you won’t have all the answers you want. There is a learning moment in every situation if you are open to it. If I’ve learned anything in these past 12 months, it’s that you might not be ready for what life has to throw at you, but you can face it head-on and keep moving forward. So, despite not being where I’d like to be at this point in my life:

I’m going to celebrate all that I’ve achieved thus far.

I’m going to bask in the endless gratitude I have for this life I’m living.

I’m going to continue learning and growing.

I’m here for a reason and I’m going to continue seeking that reason. Maybe it’s simply being alive or maybe it’s something bigger than I can imagine. Whatever the case, I’m nowhere near ready to give up. I’m only getting started. 

Wherever you are in life, especially if you’re feeling lost, remember that “YOU are in control of what you do with your life...you’re here for a reason. You just have to find what that reason is.” With that, I’d like to send you all positive energy and only the greatest blessings as 2020 approaches.

To the Creative Who Feels Not so Creative Right Now

Being a person with great ambition and anxiety is a double edge sword. On days when I know exactly what I want, I will run full force ahead and accomplish multiple goals. It is the anxiety of not doing enough pushing me forward to achieve my greatest heights. These days, I am goal-driven, my vision is clear, and I feel infinitely inspired. I tell myself I will build an empire of all the things I want, out of all the things I love.

Yet, some days, most days I just can’t find the motivation to do any of the things I tell myself I want to do. There’s so much anxiety in making the wrong move. I always feel like I need a ten-step plan before I begin anything and in the end, I still have nothing because well… I’m still thinking. My brother tells me to just be honest with myself and say it’s because I don’t want to. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’d rather satisfy my need for instant gratification and quick results than put in work towards the bigger picture.

So here I am, after weeks of not writing or putting out as much content as I’d like, I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna write. Despite not knowing exactly what I want to write, I’m gonna write.

This is to the creative who feels not so creative right now. Here’s a reminder of three things to do when you’re “stuck”

1. Stop. Take a break, maybe you are burnt out. Do everything but, creating. Find other things that drive you. Stop for a moment to asses your needs then continue moving forward. Inspiration could strike at any moment so be present and aware.

2. Think and Plan. Do what you have to do to get things done. If it’s a ten-step plan do it. Think about all the reasons you’re not doing what you tell yourself you want to do. Think about how you want to move forward. Write it down. I find that writing things down puts it into perspective. Goals that seem so intangible at first become more clear. 

3. Create. Do anything to get your mind flowing whether it be painting, writing, designing--anything really. Create without the intention of sharing your work. These moments are for you. They say there’s power in numbers and maybe that stands true here as well. Create and create until you’re out of good ideas then create some more until you’re out of bad ideas. Maybe your best work will come out of a ‘bad idea’. 

As a creative, it’s so easy to stop and tell yourself that you’re stuck, having a moment of artist’s block maybe. But to stop creating is doing a disservice to yourself and those who need to see or hear your work. You won’t feel stuck forever as long as you continue moving. When motivation is long gone, remind yourself of discipline. Know that with discipline there are endless possibilities for growth in your work and in yourself.

Do What You Want and Don't Look Back

Many people have asked me what inspired me to write my book. To this, I don’t really have the answer I think they’re all looking for. An answer that describes a deep personal motive that drove me to create and publish a book. Don’t get me wrong, each poem in my book has its own inspiration, but the inspiration for the entire book itself, beyond wanting to share my poetry, is quite simple. So, why did I decide to publish a book of my personal thoughts and poetry? To this, I answer, “because I wanted to and because I can.” 

I’ve always talked about writing a book. I used to say, “I want to write a book someday. I don’t know what I would write about, but I want to write a book.” Little did I know this dream would be realized so early on in my life. Moreover, who would’ve thought that it would happen in my junior year of college, while taking a break from studying, in my little apartment around midnight. I remember that night clearly. I got up from studying, gathered all my notebooks, started paging through, and marking my favorite poems. I later messaged one of my friends who did some graphic design work and started brainstorming what the title and book cover would look like. That night, I don’t think I slept. I continued researching Amazon’s self-publishing tool, Kindle Direct Publishing. About two or three weeks later, I had myself a completed manuscript and a couple of months later, my friend sent me the finished file of my book cover. However, it took me a little over a year to actually publish my book and share it with the public.

Initially, I had all this drive to publish a book but as I came closer and closer to finishing it, fear took over and my manuscript ended sitting in my laptop, untouched, for almost a year. It wasn’t until I brought it up with some friends and they asked me “what are you waiting for?” that I began thinking about it again. A couple of weeks went by and so I asked myself, “What AM I waiting for?” I pulled my manuscript back out, looked it over and published it. Believing in myself enough to publish this book has been one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done for myself. It’s connected me with people far and near. I’ve received messages from strangers about how I’ve inspired them to write or that my words resonated with them—so much so that they feel a little less alone in this world. 

Too often in life, we hold out on doing the things we want to do because of multiple reasons— it’s not the right time, our work isn’t good enough, or the worst thought of all, what if we fail? The list goes on and on. If we just take a moment to step back and believe in ourselves and our work, so many amazing things can happen. There are people waiting for you, waiting to be inspired by you and hear your thoughts, people you may not even know. Life is a cycle of trial and error. So, my advice to you all is two-fold, 1. Surround yourself with people who you can confide in when it comes to your dreams and ambitions. Sometimes all we need are people in our lives who see our potential before we do and give us the push we need. 2. Whatever you want to do in life, go for it. March ahead towards that goal and don’t look back. Sure, it may take a couple of tries before you get it right or it may not work out, but at least you’ll know you the outcome. In all honesty, success scares me more than failure ever will, but that’s a story for another day.

Note to Self: You're Not Obligated to be Who You Once Were

This past weekend after briefing someone on the content of my poetry book, they asked me if I thought I had self-love. They said, “Be honest, do you believe you have self-love?” My honest answer to that was, “I’m trying. I’m working on it.” Some days I feel so blessed to be who I am and other days I can’t help but think of all my shortcomings. It’s so easy to list all of our negative traits. Sometimes we have to take a step back and celebrate all that we are and all we’ve overcome to become the person we are today.

Growing up, I became what everyone thought I was. I became their opinions of me: a shy girl, an awkward girl, the smart and never pretty girl. The girl with walls too high, temper too short, and the overall too negative girl. I was too tall and too loud for some, so I tried to shrink myself in order to fit into other people’s spaces. I always thought I was my own person, but really, I became a shell of the person I was supposed to be. It wasn’t until I moved cities for college and spent time truly alone that I realized that wasn’t really who I wanted to be. I realized I didn’t have to be only one thing or another. The woman I want to become is both soft and strong, beautiful and intelligent. These days, I don’t mind wearing my heart on my sleeve and forgiving others easily. I didn’t understand how exhausting it was to be so angry as if the world was against me. I look at the person I used to be and I hurt for her sometimes— someone so afraid to claim all her identities. But at the same time, I’m so grateful for the growth I’ve experienced. I believe it is kindness, gratitude, and compassion that brings the best out of us. It is what will bring us true happiness when all else fails. 

By no means am I the embodiment of self-love, but as I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I’m trying. I still have moments of self-doubt and days where I really don’t understand who I am, but I’ve learned it’s all about perseverance. I know to not mistake being alone for loneliness now and that solitude is important for growth.  

Self-love and self-care aren’t just about bubble baths and meditation; it’s also taking time to reflect on who you are and deciding if that’s the person you want to continue being. It’s okay if that answer is no. You’re not obligated to be the same person you were last year— or even yesterday. Spend some time alone, change your environment, and expand your mind. You’ll come to learn about the kind of person you want to be, the person you’re supposed to be, not the one the world has made you think you are.

I'm a Mess but I'm Trying…

For those who don’t know me, I’m Salina Ntsa Iab⎯ a first-generation Hmoob-American daughter of refugees. A fashion designer, writer, and over-thinker. I recently graduated from the University of Wisconsin-Madison with my B.S. in Textiles and Fashion Design. These past few months since finishing school have been so bittersweet. Bitter because the job hunt is becoming more and more discouraging as the months go by, but also sweet because I am making time to create and put myself in spaces that contribute to my overall growth. I want to start a blog to document my journey moving forward. To those who are interested, I hope that my posts are of some value to you and I thank you for joining me. I’m constantly on this journey of self-discovery so come along and maybe some of what I say will resonate with you⎯ maybe it won’t. Whatever the case, I ask that you take what I say with a grain of salt. These are my own thoughts that I am sharing with the world. I find it deeply therapeutic to be vulnerable in this kind of space where I can release my inner self to you all. What happens beyond this point is no longer in my control. 

Growing up, I never knew what I wanted to be when I “grew up”. Now here I am, “grown-up”⎯ I suppose⎯ with a degree and a published book and, in many ways, I still don’t know. All you really hear before graduation is, “work hard and finish your degree. As long as you get your degree, finding a job will be easier.” In all honesty, it has not been easy. Being almost more than four months post-graduation with no job is quite terrifying. I’ve lost track of the number of job applications I’ve looked at and applied for. It’s left me with questions like: “am I skilled enough?”, “did I really put in enough work in college?”, “why didn’t I do more?”. Everyone talks about working hard, networking, and landing their dream job, but no one tells you about the struggle to get there. No one tells you how to get there. 

So here I am, figuring it out one day at a time. If I’ve learned anything during these few short months out of college, it’s that it’s okay to be afraid and it’s okay to not know where you’re headed. As long as you continue moving, every step you take will move you forward. The first thing I told myself when I moved back home from college was that I wasn’t gonna sit at home and do nothing. I’ve been occupying myself with job applications, updating my resume and portfolio, and pushing my book sales. I’ve taken every opportunity I can to promote and sell my books and through these opportunities, I’ve learned that there are so many people willing to help. The first step you have to take though, and quite possibly the easiest step, is showing up. I know how uncomfortable it can be to put yourself out there. However, when you do, there is so much more to gain than there is to lose. When you show up for yourself, others will notice your effort. The overwhelming amount of positive words and people willing to support my creative endeavors have been absolutely uplifting.

Through all of this, yes, I’m still a mess. I have no idea where my life is headed these next few months (or weeks even), but I’m trying. I’m learning all I can and I’m pushing myself to take steps that will foster my growth, no matter how small.