Note to Self: You Are Not Your Thoughts
Today I’m not okay. This sudden wave of anxiety has taken over me. I found myself breaking down and I had no idea why.
If I’m being honest, I get sad and anxious often. I worry about what’s next. I overthink the past, wondering what I could’ve done differently. What am I supposed to do with this life I’ve been given? How exactly do I make the most of it?
On some days though, like today, there’s no question to answer or explanation to be found. It crept up, laid in bed silently with me until I noticed its presence.
But in the same breath, I want to say that I’m very much in love with life right now. I’ve come to terms with where I am and where I want to go. I understand the extent of my talents and capabilities. I understand that everything has its own right timing and all of my ambitions will be manifested in reality with time.
This is healing. It’s not linear.
Some days you’re at your highest, other days you’re at what feels like rock bottom, and then there are days like this; you feel grateful and blessed yet, there’s this overwhelming feeling of anxiety living in your chest.
You feel everything.
All of it.
All at the same time.
It becomes so exhausting fighting your own mind. Trying to discover the exact cause of your thoughts and feelings. You blink once and you’ve missed the triggering moment. Was it when your mother slightly raised her voice to get your attention? Or maybe it was when you began to think too much about the past for a second too long. Could it have been when your friend forgot to reply to your message earlier that day? But it’s often deeper than that. Whatever the case, it’s impossible to know now.
So, how do you move forward? How do you center yourself again?
First, breathe. Know that this feeling will pass. These thoughts will subside. Work past the thoughts that swallow you whole. Find and indulge yourself in things that ground you.
What many of us have all wrong is that we always want to be happy. Happiness is the goal. So when it seems as if these happy feelings are gone, we are left with nothing. However, the reality is that happiness is nothing but a feeling. Just as being sad, angry, or afraid are feelings. Let it come and let it go. Understand that it’s completely okay for you to feel this way and just as you’ve done so before, you’ll navigate your way through this moment as well. You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings.
Even when you’ve grown tired of your own mind, you have to fight. Fight for your own potential, for the person you have yet to become. Show up for yourself. Find peace in knowing you are constantly learning and growing. Forgive yourself for all you have yet to understand.
Good things are coming, believe it.
And know this, you’re not alone.