Moving Forward, Embracing the Storms
Disclaimer: mental health & anxiety | Every time I think about how I’m opening up to strangers, it scares me a bit. But, I feel that it’s so important to share these kinds of stories. Social media has conditioned us to only share our highlight reel. What you are about to read is real and raw. I’ve tried to sit down and write this blog earlier this month but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I have yet to share this with even my parents or family. I guess I’m feeling a little more courageous today. Please take the time to read with an open mind, especially if you are unfamiliar with these kinds of experiences.
This is what anxiety looks like. Just five months ago I experienced one of the worst episodes I’ve ever had. It’s been a year since I graduated college and I wasn’t where I thought I would be. The dynamics of my friendships and close relationships were constantly changing. Nothing was going in my favor. On top of that, the world was in the middle of a pandemic. Everything hit me all at once and when it hit, it hit hard. I don’t really know how to explain the details of how or why this all happened but it did. For about two to three weeks in May my mind took control and I didn’t do anything but sit in my head all day. Beside my bed was a trash can filled with empty water bottles and Rice Krispies Treat wrappers as that was all I could stomach most days. I was so upset at everyone but more so angry at myself for not being able to manage my feelings better. I was so down but I was trying so hard to be happy. I knew I could move past this as soon as I figured out how. I was trying so hard to have a normal day, a better day, better thoughts, better habits. No one else other than my sisters and my best friend knew what I was going through. When I posted these photos, everyone probably thought I was having the time of my life. Little did they know these were taken the same day my best friend watched me cry myself to sleep because I was so overwhelmed.
Before that big breakdown, I had been running on empty. Giving and giving just to make sure everyone’s cups were full. Everyone’s except my own. This wasn’t the first time I had a breakdown like this. However this time, I realized I needed to allow myself to feel everything as deeply as it needed to be felt. As a person with a lot of emotions I’ve learned that sometimes, you really just have to go through it, all the while understanding that you’ve been here before and made it through. So, I let myself cry, I journaled, and then cried some more.
After weeks of drowning in bad habits, I realized I had to take back my power. I came to understand that not every person or opportunity deserves your energy. You are important too and though sometimes you are meant to bring light to others, it is your own responsibility to evaluate when to depart or do less. Most importantly, your healing is your own responsibility and you have to hold yourself accountable for your growth.
For the past few months, that’s what I’ve been doing. Not only did I immerse myself in work and projects, but I’ve also been journaling more, praying more, and working out more. Really committing to building myself from the inside out in order to align my mental, physical, and spiritual health. Instead of focusing on my fears, I began doing things out of love and joy; finding my flow and following it. I’d say I’m doing pretty well. Even so, every day I still have to remind myself of my worth and what I’m capable of. On days when my thoughts run wild and I find myself living in my head, consumed by the sadness, I feel like a fraud for pushing positivity. Then I pause and remind myself that positivity and happiness are not synonymous. Sometimes you have to sit through the storms in order to grow.
These days I’ve stopped chasing “better”. “Better” is relative and will keep you focused on the past, hindering you from reaching your full potential in the present. The you that existed yesterday no longer lives in this moment. Instead of saying how can I be better than I was yesterday, I began to ask myself how can I show up for myself today? The person you need to be today is not comparable to the person you were yesterday. What was required of you yesterday is not comparable to what is required of you today. Move forward with the concept that every version of you is the best version of you for the specific time and circumstances you are in. When you show up everyday as your best self, you won’t be hung up on the past. This will allow you to flow freely and peacefully in your journey. Give yourself grace and honor yourself at every stage of life you go through. You will then understand your value so when a situation doesn’t turn out in your favor, you won’t feel like you took a loss. You are made up of all things you’ve gone through. All the good and bad.
Stepping out of a dark place and into yourself again is the most amazing feeling. A feeling I don’t even know how to describe.
A final message to those going through their own storms right now, you are worthy of the most amazing life. Good things are coming for you. Embrace the storms while knowing the sun will rise again.