Comfort in Fears: Leaving it all Behind
No one talks about how hard self-love actually is. When we hear self-love we think of the neatly packaged version of it. The one where the strong independent woman takes herself on dates or the bath time with wine, candles, and a face mask. However, self-love is all that and more. No one talks about how tired that strong independent woman is or how she had to drag herself out of bed for another meal let alone a bath. Or how she is finally coming to terms with the fact that she only has herself at the end of the day and that fact alone no longer eats at her like it once did. No one talks about all the things she had to overcome to be so at peace with herself. And yet, in some ways...on some days, she is still just as tired and sad as she was before it all.
The other day I said to a friend “I wish I really loved myself as much as I think I do. I wish I was as strong as I’m perceived to be.”
Self-love is reflecting, breaking cycles, and healing.
Healing is so fu*king hard.
Some days I’m in love with every piece of my being and other days I pick apart every flaw and mistake I’ve ever made but this isn’t some post about how sad I was or how much I’ve cried. This is about my growing resistance to finding comfort in pain.
Over the past year, I’ve experienced so much growth. In many ways, I’m so happy with where I’m at in life. It seems as if I’ve found the peace that I’ve been looking for for so long. But some days my fears find me and have a hold on me that I can’t shake. I’ve lived with this fear and sadness for so long that when it comes back it feels comforting. I have to fight it and it’s exhausting. Maybe it’s that so many good things are happening and I’m truly scared of what I can become. Maybe I’m scared of the greatness that lives within me. For so long I let the fear win and now every good thing is a fight. New heights bring up old fears and fear of the unknown brings anxiety. But I’m learning to detach from my insecurities and take a hold of all things that bring me joy.
I’m realizing that pain and peace can coexist.
Bravery and insecurity.
Boldness and softness.
I have to remind myself every day of all that I’ve done for myself. How I’ve pulled myself out of the mud several times now. I tell myself that if I’ve gotten this far with this much pain, I can do so much more as I learn to release it.
Love yourself enough to do good things for yourself.
Love yourself enough to forgive yourself.
Love yourself enough to let go of everything that no longer grows you.
Self-love is killing the idea of who you thought you were supposed to be and grounding yourself into everything that you are. This can be scary because well, this is the person we’ve known our whole life. This version of us was the one who brought the most comfort and shielded our pain. However, this version of us does not exist in the future, and in order to grow, we’ll have to leave them behind.